i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
