I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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