remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
