i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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