I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
The air taste purple.
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