Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
