Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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