can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
