I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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