Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
