I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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