Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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