I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
