Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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