Me. At least after what I've been through.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
