i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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