Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
