Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
