just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Randomize
