Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
