Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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