new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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