My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
