I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
