I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
