I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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