bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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