It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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