ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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