You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
