I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
