Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize