No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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