Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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