My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
