Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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