the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
