somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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