i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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