He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
