my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
