Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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