Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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