DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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