btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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