If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
