this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
