So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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