he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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