Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
