Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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