All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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