everyone is single if you try hard enough
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Someone came in the potted fern
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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