I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
