my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize