so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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