my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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