So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
