i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
