May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize