I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
