I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
