fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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