Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize