my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
