i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
