So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
